Trinax

I thought i had finally got through my run of bad luck,  but last night we were sitting in natalies room whatching Most Haunted and  i was on the comp, Natalie decided to get a drink (which would normally not be permitted as HE doesn't allow them to have food or drink in thier rooms,i let them sneak some up now and again as long as they take glasses,papers etc back downstairs so there is no evidence)When she had finnished,she sat the empty glass on top of the computer tower,then jade decided she wanted a drink,natalie went n got her one and the glass was nearly full (and it was quite a big glass) n i said " you shouldn't have given her so much" So jade takes a sip out of it and then proccedes to place the glass where natalie had put it and it was as if it was happening in slow motion,i was thinking to myself i should tell her not to put that there incase it spills,well does not the enevitable happen.The full glass poured all over the tower and the modem.Natalie n jade ran out the room in a panic, i just started unplugging everything i could see cause i didn't know if it was going to blow up.Natalie disconected the tower and upended it onto a towel and the water was just running off it,(maybe its just as well it was water,i think if it had been juice it would have been gubbed) n i thought this is fucked there's no way this is going to work now,and i haven't got a spare £600 to buy a new one n now i've lost all my blogging pals n they wont know were i've gone,so i wasn't best pleased but i couldn't shout at jade cause it was an accident and she was already in floods of tears (she cried herself to sleep!)So we left it overnight and when i  came in i blasted it with the hairdrier for a bit, managed to connect it all back up myself (well chuffed at myself) and it worked YIPPIEEE! So im back blogging,must admit was starting to get withdrawal symptoms ,trinax

Hopefully it wont be to long now when we that is me n my girls can leave this place,dont get me wrong it's a brilliant house in a nice area with nice neighbours n next to my youngest girls school, its just HIM knowing my luck i will probably end up in a horrible area with crap neighbours. Stayed here 8 years been with hin for 12, absolutely shittin myself cause i feel i wont be able to manage or get my life together and it is such a big change in my life. He told me (by way of a note) I dont think we should live together anymore! see thats how we communicate cause we dont talk to each other. Been like that for a while plus he hates my oldest girl shes 16 wont even be in the same room as her, she hasnt done anything wrong never fell in the door drunk or been in trouble with the police, never goes out n hangs about street corners, he just thinks she has attitude n doesn't respect him n the lnly time she talks to him is to ask for money, maybe if he treated her with respect he would get some back. he says thats the only time i talk to him too,see he doesn't give me a housekeeping money so i have to ask him everyday for money to get something for the dinner very rairly ask him for anything else,so what does he want us to do starve.oh n i smoke too so thats another thing he doesn't like,i would see the point if i was going out buying clothes n shoes all the time i dont, whatever spare money i have i spend it on my girls when i have any i dont even ask him for money to buy them clothes,luckly my oldest has started working so she can buy herself things now.He says i should make more efort to look nice, he used to come in and say no makeup on today eh! whats the point to sit in the house all day n then when he does come in he doesn't even look at me or even agnoledge me (sorry for the spelling wasn't one of my stronger points at school)I have two sisters one older n one younger,he thinks the sun shines out of my older ones bum,he sometimes used to text her n he calls her princess, i am very close to my sisters so sometimes i would be there when she got a text n she would be so embarrased n so would i,he has a nickname for my younger sister as well its cookie, mines is probably arsehole or something, ive seen him come into a room n give my sister and friend a cuddle n bypass me, doesn't bother me i'm' not into cuddling n that anyway, my friend was in the other day n he came in and asked her if she wanted a cup of tea n never asked me such is life! I think he has a touch of ocd when we moved in here everything had to be the way he wanted it,i wasn't even allowed to have a draining board on the sink the dishes have to be washed dried n put away.Got real wood flooring in the livingroom nobody is allowed shoes on n as soon as he comes in from work he sweeps it everyday then goes around the house tidying up,i did do housework but he would just go over it again like if i made the bed he would reposition the pillows the way he likes or the cushions on the couch will wipe down the kichen surfaces even if i have did it if we didn't have kitchen cleaner he would use windowleen He used to just barge into my oldest girls room to tidy it up n i would say to him she's too big now for u to do that, n he would say it's my house i even had to end up putting a lock on her door myself.She cant even have friends in or have anyone stay or if she does he says they have to be away by the time he comes in from work.Her boyfriend came up on valentines day to give her a present so i text him to tell him as he moans if we dont inform him that someone is in,so he text back saying he would be home for 7.30pm n he has to be away by the time he comes in.She doesn't finish work till 5.30pm n i pick her up so she doesn't get home till 5.50.pm that means she had 1hour and 40mins to spend on valentines day with her boyfriend shows you how hes all heart.No one is allowed to touch his plasma tv he would go nuts if there was any fingerprints on it.We cant have shampoo or shower gell or toothpaste on show in the toilet,they have to be put away in the vanity unit and if you have a bath or shower you have to dry all the bathroom after it.The lighting in the livingroom is really low at night cause thats how he likes it, it hurt my eyes at first but after 8 years you get used to it,we cant play music cause he just turns it off,or if my big girl is playing it he asks me to ask her to turn it down n he says is she just doing it to annoy him as he goes to his bed early,before he would get up shout turn it down into her room slam her door shut then slam his door shut,i mean yes she was playing music but it was never that loud not to the degree that some teenagers play it at she can never win,the house is a terraced house so the stairs are in the livingroom and he used to sit on the stairs about 6 up n watch tv,it must have been a strange sight to people visiting my brother in law used to joke about it.I asked him why he did this and he said it was because i smoked in the livingroom so just before new year i started sitting outside the back door to smoke now i dont care i stand in the kitchen at the window to smoke,he also doesn't like the suite we got it a few years ago n its a corner suite black leather i picked it if he didn't like it that much why didn't he say something at the time so thats another mark against me,i know people will say we have to talk about it,i have tryed to talk to him just about general things but he just answers me with one or two sylable answers or if he looks at me to answer me you can see the way his face is its as if it pains him to even talk to me so l just thought whats the point but if it is someone else apart from me n my oldest girl cause he just ignores her too,he turns into a completely different person he's allbubbly n laughy n talks away quite the thing as if thats the way he is all the time.He's also one of these people who takes ages to do something i mean when we moved into this house it lay undecorated for about over a year and it was coming up for christmas n my sister said to me stuff this if he is not going to do something then we will so i made curtains n put them up assembaled the dining table n set it up i bought n paid for a hall n stair carpet to be fitted with my family allowance money we generaly made it look a nillion times better n we thought it would be a nice suprise for him,but he wasn't pleased cause it wasn't done the way he would have done it,he got wardrobes built in my big girls room and we kept asking him to get doors for them still waiting for them to this day,he took my youngest girls door off as it was a box room n he was going to reverse the door now its been thrown out n she wont sleep in it with no door on it n we have asked him so many times but to no avail,he is an electrician n had put lovley lights up the stairs n in the hall but decided to change them,he hasn't seen anything he likes so we have been living with bare wires hanging out the wall for about 7 months,the bedroom needs repainted but he refuses because i smoke so i dont smoke in the bedroom anymore i go into the bathroom now.I bet you are fed up listening to me i'm starting to bore myself,one thing i an worried about is that a few years ago i suffered really bad panic attacks and am frightened they will come back with all this crap happening,i have had depression years ago too n been a self harmer since i was 18,i haven't done it for years but found myself doing it a few weeks ago,i saw how upset my big girl was and felt really guilty about it so i will think long and hard about doing it again,i just feel so lost as if i dont know what i'm doing hopfully things will get better,and if nobody reads this then i suppose i am getting some of this off my chest for my own benifit. trina x