Trinax

Well i did it i made some bread, courtesy of la_spice, thank u very much, sorry couldn't take a picture of it whole, as soon as it was made, the kids were in to it.
And i dyed my hair red, ha! made bread n dyed my hair red, i'm a poet n i don't even know it, even better one.
made some bread,
dyed my hair red,
now i'm off to bed , see ya  x click picks to make big!

We are in the middle of a thunder storm here, it's lashing it down.  It's been a while since we had one, there is always something peacefull with the sound of heavy rain i think,  OH! THAT WAS A BIG BANG!    I  remember when i was wee, my mum used to tell us that the thunder was God moving his furniture about, funny how u remember things like that.  I don't know what she said about the lightning though.  I think u can always smell when there is going to be a thunder storm, i said  this to Natalie and she said i was talking rubbish.  I do,  i don't know exactly what the smell is, it's like metalicy or something, now we have hail, the windscreen of my car is covered.  I used to love it when we were wee n all the kids that were daft enough to be out in a thunderstorm, when a big loud rumble of thunder came, we all used to scream at the top of our lungs (well the girls anyway!)    Something must have happened, can hear the wail of some siren, don't know if it's the cops or an ambulance, hope whoever it is ,is all right.

Well that was a waste of time, not one word was uttered about how our relationship has went down the pan, and what he would do to make thing right, all he did was try n make conversation about trivial things for example he said "i wonder who's cd this is it's quite good is'nt it, i just shrugged, i knew it was Enya but wasn't telling him that,  so he had his chance n he will not be getting another one.  I can actually count on one hand how many times he has taken me out for a meal, or taken me out anywhere in 12 year, i know people will think that hard to believe but honestly it is true.  Oh i had to laugh at jade when we came in she was asking what i had for starters, i said didn't have one, what did u have for your dinner, i said chicken fried rice , then she said what did u have for enders.......... she ment dessert i was in stitches.

Oh when i was talking to HIM last night i asked him what he meant on a text that he sent me, he said he would do what i had asked of him to do and for the life of me i didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Turns out he will give me money to get a boob job...............that was something i had mentioned years ago, i was a bit obsessed at the time but now i hadn't even thought about it.  OMG! what extrems is this guy willing to go to............. Ye i know i'm not exactly  well endowed but more than a handfull is a waste.

I sat through the whole meal with my coat on so i think he knew i didn't want to be there, after it he asked if i wanted to go for a drink somewhere n i said no i just want to go home, so that was it.    trina x

So i went to my pals last night, as i always do on a friday, for a little Swally. Halfway through the night she anounces! " I had a visitor on Wednasday! "    "Oh who?"  i asked.   " Your man "  she said.   I nearly chooked on my beer,  " What! "   I exclaimed.  There is no way in the world i would have thought HE would come down there, cause for one he doesn't even like her!  He thinks she is a bad influence on me cause she is an alky, and she used to tap money off him all the  time.

She went on to say he was asking her would he could do to make me take him back and she said that i wasn't listening to anyone i was going to do what i wanted.  He said all i am doing is ignoring him.   She said he was crying and pouring his heart out to her (arse) Now she feels sorry for him and is taking his side, just like my wee sister. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  She said to him " Don't u think maybe it is too late "  n he said he didn't know.  But i know it is !!!

I came home last night n said to him " how dare u go down to my pals n involve her in all this "  " i just want to talk to u and explain "  he said.  Does he never give up, "alright "  i said just to get fucking peace.  So now i have to go for a meal with him tonight and i don't even want to, see if he starts crying n all that i swear i will walk out n leave him sitting there.  I hope doesn't get my back up n make me angry cause i will just start arguing with him and people will probably be looking at us, well i will lrt u's know how it goes later, roll on later! trina x

Just to fill u in if u don't know, i'm in the middle of a relationship breakdown cause the guy is an arse n wouldn't talk to me, i mean he would utter the odd sylable now n then and was always tyidying up n stuff, but it would be the same thing every bloody night!

Come in from work (oh through the garage door as he doesn't want to walk on his REAL WOOD! floor!)  the neighbours must think he's weird.   Clean the kitchen (even thuough it didn't need cleaning)  Brush his precious floor n the kitchen floor,  go upstairs to make sure the beds are made n there is no mess lying about. Come down n get his dinner, wash the dishes, then go to bed to watch telly for a wee while.

Sounds wonderfull i hear u say, well u can have him n his OCD, this has been going on for years n i've had enough! .  It's not u who sits on their own every night, not having anyone to talk too except my girls, treats everyone else normaly even my sisters, but not me. He once said why should it be him to strike up conversation. I suppose i am quiet person but i did try to talk to him n was blanked so i stopped trying. A few weeks ago it came to a head when he left a note saying " I don't think we should live together anymore"

Fuck u mate if i could get somewhere to stay, i'd be out of there in a minute.  So i played him at his game n didn't even agnolidge him, must say i was probably better at it than him. Have started looking for a rented flat. No luck yet.

Now he's realized he's wrong n keeps texting me saying he loves me n can we just talk etc (fuck right off!)  He keeps buying me stuff, mobile phone,watch, flowers, cards, shit like that well he can shove it, i feel booting him right in the SWINGERS!  (balls!)     i wish he would just leave me alone!   trinax

Went out with my sister and her friends last night and it was good better than i expected did a bit of boogieing too, but before i went out , Natalie was getting ready to go to a 21st, and i was curling her hair.  She has these fudge tongs and they heat up to a really hot temperature,  she had put them on the carpet but they were on a special mat. Jade was sitting next to them and the next thing she screams "Mum!" n runs out the room. Turns out she had leaned on them and burned her arm.

It must be about 4 inches long and blistered instantly.  How hard is it to try n get a child to keep their arm under running water, managed to calm her down but  if it had been blood it would have been different as soon as she sees blood she goes ape shit. Put a wet cloth on it and told her to hold it there, was trying to make out it wasn't that bad but i knew myself it was.  Think i'll go into superdrug ( thats were natalie works ) tomorrow and ask the pharmisist if there is anything i could put on it , think it's going to leave a mark, thats the second time she has burned herself , last time it was stupidly my fault.  I was ironing on the kichen floor (for Quickness) and jade 's leg touched the iron, that has left a mark, poor baby!

So i'm going to my sisters this morning, and who passes me coming the other way HIM and i knew as soon as he had gone , he would text me (funny how you get to know people after 12 year true to life he did, (never does it any other time). He text - just seen u x .- Felt like texting back -and?
 Then later on i get this by text -    can we go 4 a meal saturday nite trin just want 2 spend som time with u plese i miss u so much and luv  more thn anythng and it breaks my heart i cant cudle u ...............iknow u wnt 2 leave and cant wait but u  hate me tht much u cant go 4 meal with me (em has he not just contridicted himself, i haven't even answered wether i will go for a meal or not?) .............fone the hairdressers and i'll give u mony 2 get ur hair don 2 go with ur nice nails.  (natalie my daughter paid for me to get  my nails done as i was going to a 40th birthday party ) plese com with me i luv u so much xxxxxxx. Is this not the rambalings of a desperate man ? He  lives on a different wave length than me and it is fucking driving me crazy, so i'm outa here (hopefully soon). trina x

Was gassing to Deana24 about Glasgow a wee while ago  and it just reminded me of something my sister Jackie said ages ago, She was talking to someone in the work and this lady is older and VERY POSH! (comes from Newton Mearns) So Jackie says " my pal hurt her back the other day, she was kerryin a telly!"  (carrying a teleivision) and Teresa (the older women) was either distracted or just wasn't listening and said "kerryin a telly, is that an italian resturant?". We were in stiches,Jackie has never lived it down to this day.

She is so funny the way she explains things, even though i myself  speak glasweegian i am not as flueint as her, one time when she was on holiday to spain, and was speaking to a spanish guy, it had been raining earlier and Jackie said the rain was like big draps a water (big drops of water) she was trying to explain how the raindrops looked to her, the poor guy looked very confussed.

Here's a wee poem i wrote when i was about 18 and was depressed out of my face,i was trying to explain how it felt even though i haven't even shown it to anyone,  

There is a place that i go,
Down far far below,
Into the depths of deep dispair,
And when i get there something's there.

I hate when people say "Smile" ,
I wish they could be me for a while,
They think i am regecting them,
But really i'm protecting them.

For the thing that lurks here with me,
Shall never see the light of day,
So here i'll stay,
So here i'll stay.                        by Catherine McNeill x (yes that really is my real name)

I wonder how much help i will really get when the time comes for me to leave this place? I know my sisters have said they will help me etc but to be truthfully honest i am not pinning my hopes on them, as it seems to me (and i'm not just saying this to blow my own trumpet) i always seem to be the one who always helps them out, and i never question why etc. Baybysitting (they have never watched my kids cause he never takes me out anywhere) removals, decorating (dont see my oldest sister getting her hands dirty) gardening(do my oldest sisters garden) pick up and drop off things at the drop of a hat,kids included, Even when my dad died a few years ago, there was an outstanding balance and i went every week religiously for a YEAR!  to the funeral parlour to pay it off and i was on benifits at the time, turned out i got to know some of them because i went that often, now i stay next door to them,strange eh!  And all it would have taken would have been for my sister to write a cheque,( well her man does own 4 bathroom shops ) she did say ages later "oh thats right i was supposed to half you with that outstanding amount and gave me it, but i felt like telling her to shove it!  Even before my dad died he was lost because my mum had died 2 years previous and he was in a 3 bedroom house himself so i let him move in with me for a while till we got him a wee flat. Even though my sister stayed in a big house it was out of the question dad living with her because her man didn't like the fact that he was an alcoholic, I think i have the same nature  my dad had. My younger sister just does her own thing sometimes bypasses my house to visit an aunt who lives nearby and doesn't come in to see me! I always have to go to them they never seem to visit me. She goes out at the weekend with her pals n never thinks to ask me if i would like to go even though she knows i am sitting in the house doing nothing (she says she doesn't think) which probably is the case but i am on a feeling sorry for myself crusade so u's are getting it in the neck. Well i am the middle one of the family and it's true what they say the middle one always gets left out, all through my life it has been like that, they had freinds and i'd try n tag along, they got invited to parties,i didn't. i was bullied at school they weren't, i must have been the only person in history who danced with the teatcher at the dance practises because none of the boys wanted to dance with me! school was shit! Still i've ranted enough ,  at least i have my kids to support me and i think thats enough. trinax