Trinax

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

> Subject: FW: Fwench Twaining
>
>
> >
> > Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
> >
> > After the first day they met up in the bar.
> >
> > 'Ah, Pierre ,' asks one, ' 'ow 'av you been doing?'
> >
> > 'Merde!' answers Pierre . 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
> >
> > At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.
> >
> > 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'
> >
> > 'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.
> >
> > 'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly
> > leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'
> >
> > ''And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.
> >
> > 'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp
> > five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'
> >
> > 'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.
> >
> > 'Zen 'e made me climb up annuzer silly leetle platform ten feet
> > off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'
> >
> > 'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.
> >
> > 'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my
> > dignity to jurmp ten feet'
> >
> > 'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate.
> >
> > 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
> > parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
> > said:
> > 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'
> >
> > 'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'
> >
> > 'A leetle, at ze beginning.'

Some men need all the help they can get

Kids say the funniest things.> Subject: Primary school children writing about the sea
>
> 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
>
> 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
>
> 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
> sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
>
> 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
>
> 5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
> age 8)
>
> 6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
> Burniston age 5)
>
> 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
> ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
> to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off
> eating beans. (William age 7)
>
> 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
> How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
>
> 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
> screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
> sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
>
> 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can
> give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
> think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
>
> 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
> willy small. (Kevin age 6)
>
> 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
> can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
> 8)
>
> 13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
> going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up
> her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Click to download, sorry didn't know how to do this any other way x

So i phoned my insurance yesterday and they sorted out getting me a hire car while mines goes in to get repaired, they gave me a Brand New Corsa to drive and the kids were like ohhhhhhhhhhhh this is lovely, can we keep it?    They dropped it of about 1.30 yesterday and i thought that was quick and the man from the repair centre came this morning just after 9 to pick mines up, he told me to phone on Tuesday to see how they were getting on.
Just got used to driving this thing, it seems so big compaired to mine, i feel like i'm driving a tank or something, it has only done 8000 miles, im 'finding it funny getting used to the power steering i keep over compansating cause i used to do that with mine, it also has bucket seats which i find akward getting out of the car with, maybe it's because it is higher up than mine.
I feel that i have to depress the accelarator really hard to get it to move and the clutch is quite high, my leg was in agony yesterday and my left bum cheek   I went out last night and it was just starting to get dark but i couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on, i was only going to the shop so i wouldn't take long and when i got back i eventualy figured out how to turn them on
Must admit i'm not too enamered with it, don't get me wrong if they gave me it for nothing i would take it  They are giving me it for 3 weeks and its all lovely n clean n new inside just need to try n keep it like that, aw well we'll see how it goes   x